quote, unquote

2009-04-13T06:03:00.001-05:00

Me: I used to try to sing like Macy Gray.

Dooter: That's not very hard. Just smoke for ten years and go scream at a baseball game until you lose your voice.

2009-04-06T23:55:00.001-05:00

Tesha: "What's on my mind??? ANTS!!! crawling in my hair, face planting in pooh and surprise Vulture visits, THAT'S WHAT!"

2009-03-11T23:55:00.001-05:00

"YER....YER...!!!!! a MEANIEPANTSFACEBOYMANTHINGRAWRRRRR"

-Ryan imitating me.

2009-02-13T18:53:00.001-05:00

"That sounds very ominous. 'Things happened, I wasn't there.'"

- Professor Himes talking to Jeff.

2009-02-13T18:49:00.001-05:00

Me: I am not a quilt.

Ryan: Definitely not a quillow, cuz they're purdy much the bestest things on the planet.

2009-01-27T19:45:00.000-05:00

"The pen is a powerful weapon."

- Modernism.

2009-01-27T19:43:00.002-05:00

"I was like, 'Okay, Candide, do what you want . . . .'"

- Blythe.

2009-01-27T19:40:00.000-05:00

"Change doesn't happen nicely and it doesn't happen neatly."

- Tobie in Modernism.

2009-01-24T18:05:00.003-05:00

Me: Okay, finish this quote, 'A moment on the lips . . .'

Ry: Is worth two in the bush!

Tim: . . . . . .

- Ryan, Tim and I playing Battle of the Sexes over break.

2009-01-14T23:33:00.001-05:00

"A hero is only as good as his weapon."

- Cleveland Morris.

2009-01-14T23:29:00.001-05:00

"This class is so hot we're on FIRE."

- Cleveland Morris.

2009-01-14T23:20:00.001-05:00

"I'm zippin' up."

- Cleveland's drawing class.

2009-01-14T22:55:00.003-05:00

"Oh gosh no, I don't swim in ponds. They're infamous for serpents."

-JD, Scrubs.

2008-12-24T19:14:00.000-05:00

Gran: "I've never seen so many packages."

Austin: "That's what she said."

2008-09-21T19:20:00.001-05:00

"I was pretty awkward, I think. Even more so than I am now."

-Dale.

2008-09-17T11:10:00.002-05:00

"Use me."

-Ryan.

2008-09-10T13:53:00.001-05:00

"So I'll just have to hold your throat nice and tight while putting the movie gently to your lips, eh?"

-Ryan.

2008-09-08T11:36:00.001-05:00

"That was legal. But it was cold."

-Uncle Jack.

2008-09-08T11:33:00.001-05:00

"You can be a hard nugget to swallow."

2008-08-31T23:30:00.001-05:00

"How can I pick up twilight? Is this like a Zen Koan?"

"Mm, what's a Zen Koan?"

"Touch the sun, Emily."

-Dale.

2008-08-31T23:21:00.000-05:00

"Yeah, the tall, dark, handsome part pales next to lack of killer musical instinct."

-Susan.

2008-08-31T23:19:00.003-05:00

"If you're sleeping on me during class, I'll tell you something wrong. Which ultimately means you'll get the answer wrong on the test. I can do that."

-Coach Harmon.

2008-08-31T23:17:00.004-05:00

"Yeah, I've written a book. It's about four lines long, and three of 'em are acknowledgments."

-Coach Harmon.

2008-08-31T23:15:00.001-05:00

"Mr. Foutz?"

No one answers.

"Excellent. Start weedin' 'em out on the first day."

-Coach Harmon.

2008-08-31T23:12:00.000-05:00

"This is Health and Wellness? I've been mislead."

2008-08-31T23:09:00.001-05:00

"They didn't have A.D.D. Try B.O.R.E.D."

-Coach Harmon.

2008-08-31T22:51:00.002-05:00

" Em, if I started talking to you about something you didn't want to hear, what would you do?"

"I'd listen to you anyway."

"Really... Even if it was hurtful? Like if I started talking smack about Evelyn, you'd just listen?"

"Hmmmmm. No, I would still listen for fear of hurting your feelings. But now, if Evelyn were sitting with us while you were talking smack.... I'd definitely say something."

"Hahha! I think Ev would beat you to it!"

2008-08-31T22:50:00.001-05:00

"Charity is not a doormat."

-Susan.

2008-08-31T22:46:00.000-05:00

"Now that you've imagined what you would do as you are now, what would super mature Emily that you want to be do?"

-Susan.

2008-08-12T13:19:00.001-05:00

"How many people can he do that to?"

"Thats not what matters. It's how many people do that to him."

2008-06-01T22:08:00.006-05:00

"Either increase the block or shut up."

-Kim H! Professor Knudson was talking for five minutes, telling us to write all of this information down in a box that wasn't even an inch tall.

2008-05-28T23:24:00.000-05:00

"I hope you're not going to let this whole Mormon thing take over your life."

-Gran.

2008-05-11T22:09:00.003-05:00

"This was a while ago, probably in '95."

"How old were you?"

"22 or 23."

"Nice, I was probably still in diapers."

"You still are."

- Dale.

2008-01-07T23:49:00.000-05:00

"Those who got A's on this test, you're my heroes."

-Professor Leva.

2007-11-23T21:03:00.000-05:00

"Break out the ones and I'll lose the shirt for you."

-Wolfe.

2007-11-04T22:35:00.000-05:00

"Puritans. Putting the 'mental' in 'judgmental.'"

- Professor Jones.

2007-11-04T22:32:00.001-05:00

"Children are 'tards."

My mouth shot open at his comment. All I was thinking after hearing him say that is, I wonder what my mom would have said at hearing that, haha. Professor Jones noticed the look on my face. Then:

"She's like my jiminy cricket over here. Look at her, her mouth's all like *imitates the o-mouth*. Whenever I've gone too far, she does that. So really, if I can keep her going like this for the whole hour, then I know I have my A game on."

- Professor Jones.

2007-11-04T22:31:00.001-05:00

"Little babies are whack. They're all gelatinous and stuff. They're just looooosers."

- Professor Jones.

2007-11-04T22:29:00.001-05:00

"Now that we understand the argument, it's time to dope-slap it."

- Professor Jones on DesCartes.

2007-11-04T22:27:00.000-05:00

"Cannnndy Mountain, Charliiiiiiie."

- Professor Jones on (gruesomely awful, be forewarned.) this. Shuuuunnnnnuh.

2007-11-04T22:26:00.000-05:00

"Our ideas of God are less accurate than He really is."

- Professor Jones.

2007-11-04T22:24:00.000-05:00

"Pie starts with a P, which rhymes with T, that stands for trouble."

- Professor Jones on his love for pie. Any kind.

2007-11-04T22:23:00.001-05:00

"Can you see this? Alright, souuuund it ouuuut."

- Professor Jones. I was having a hard time writing down the notes fast and Professor Jones started talking to me to distract me.

2007-11-04T22:22:00.001-05:00

"I'm gonna scootch this back a smidge."

- Professor Jones.

2007-11-04T22:21:00.001-05:00

"I'm a fightin' personality. I'd start cappin' foos."

- Professor Jones on dreaming while still awake.

2007-11-04T22:20:00.001-05:00

"Sorry, I shpritzed. You all are in Shamoo's splash section."

-Professor Jones after he spit while talking.

2007-11-04T22:19:00.000-05:00

"Shhhh, there's dwarfage about."

- Professor Jones.

2007-11-04T22:18:00.003-05:00

"The left sigh-eeeeeeeed."

- Professor Jones.

2007-11-04T22:18:00.002-05:00

"He's smiling! Or she. It's hard to tell on a stickman."

- Professor Jones.

2007-11-04T22:14:00.000-05:00

"I saw people starting to write. Then they curled up in frustration."

- Professor Jones while watching us trying to copy down massive notes from the overhead.

2007-11-04T22:03:00.000-05:00

"I forgot my harmonica though it doesn't matter. I can't play the damn thing anyway."

- Lyn.

2007-10-19T22:24:00.000-05:00

The SVU guys soccer team played Gallaudet University the other day. GU is a school for the deaf and hard-of-hearing. Jacob said that whenever the ref blows the whistle for offsides, the team playing GU (in this case, SVU) has to stop and raise both of their arms in the air. Professor Jones started acting out what he would do in that situation.

"You could totally play them, man! (Slowly raises one of his hands.) ...I have a quuuuestion. (Everyone on the other team stops.) Can I borrow your ball? (Runs off.)"

2007-10-19T22:21:00.000-05:00

"There is just some stuff you won't ever forget. Even when you're old and crunchy."

-Professor Jones.

2007-10-19T21:50:00.000-05:00

We were talking about moral evils in philosophy, and someone listed "meth." I've only seen Professor Jones this serious on two occasions.

"And if you get born into that Meth House, you better pray to GOD you aren't a girl."

2007-10-19T17:51:00.001-05:00

"Who else would pop up a hairy puke on your carpet?"

-Professor Jones on cats.

2007-10-19T17:50:00.000-05:00

"What's your worry, heretics?"

-Professor Jones.

2007-10-19T17:49:00.001-05:00

An older woman in the back of the classroom raises her hand (maybe his or his wife's mother?): "Didn't Benjamin Franklin write a book about that?"

Professor Jones: "(Blank stare...) No."

2007-10-19T17:46:00.000-05:00

"Eyyyyyyy, babeh. 'Ow you doin? (The baby stares at him.) K, he's ignoring me."

-Professor Jones. Jared Law brought his nine month old son to class when we were sitting outside discussing Nicomachean Ethics. He is crazy about babies. Loves them.

2007-10-19T17:45:00.000-05:00

"Babies rock! They are so delicious."

-Professor Jones.

2007-10-19T17:43:00.000-05:00

"Insomniacs don't wake up at 5am every morning on purpose. They just can't sleep, so they pretend that they wake up early to make themselves feel better. (Silence. Then he points at me.) I'm kidding! (Silence again.) Wow, this is a tough crowd today."

-Professor Jones.

2007-10-19T17:42:00.000-05:00

"Talking about horses is weird. They're freakish animals."

-Professor Jones.

2007-10-19T17:39:00.000-05:00

"Those poor (u)tahrds. They shouldn't be making a movie, they should all be on a shortbus on the way to a place that can take care of them."

-Professor Jones on Napoleon Dynamite.

2007-10-19T17:37:00.000-05:00

"You mean Joseph and the Technicolor Yawn."

-Professor Jones.

2007-10-07T22:06:00.001-05:00

Me: i just used one of your shoes to kill the biggest spider i've ever seen.

Austin: aww hell naw.

2007-09-29T11:47:00.001-05:00

"Do you want his wife to slap the black out of him?"

-Albert. People were asking if he was calling Bright (it was about eleven at night).

2007-09-24T11:51:00.001-05:00

"Them's good eats, I tell you what."

-Professor Jones.

2007-09-24T11:50:00.000-05:00

"You lie like a rug."

- Professor Jones.

2007-09-24T11:49:00.000-05:00

"Why you gots to be a playa hata?"

- Professor Jones.

2007-09-24T11:48:00.000-05:00

"You guys look like whipped puppies."

-Professor Jones.

2007-09-19T20:37:00.000-05:00

My throat was really sore today. I coughed during the beginning of class when Professor Jones was talking about androsterone. He pointed at me,

"ROIGHT. I should get back on topic."

I coughed again later on, he did it again. Hahhaha, I felt bad for coughing throughout the rest of the class. Nothing personal though.

2007-09-19T20:35:00.001-05:00

"Wouldn't you rather be the Oprah in the situation?"

"OH YEAH. Boy howdy, wouldn't I."

-Dr. Jones.

2007-09-19T20:27:00.000-05:00

"I was talking to a friend, we were conversing about something when he eventually talked himself into aporia, his jaws agape. My son looked up at him and in a robotic voice said, "insert coin.""

-Dr. Jones on his seven-year old son and how he will live a short life by taking after his father.

2007-09-19T20:22:00.000-05:00

"See, I'm jumping all around now, I have this story to tell you. It's about why you guys are so whack. Theologically."

-Dr. Jones.

2007-09-19T20:20:00.000-05:00

"Oh, it's a Christian book, you all wouldn't know anything about it."

- Dr. Jones on the New Testament.

2007-09-13T21:06:00.001-05:00

"When life gives you earthquakes, catch a wave."

-Professor Jones' story of his being in an earthquake and how the only thing he thought about was how cool it'd be to catch one of the waves it created. Or something.

2007-09-13T21:04:00.000-05:00

"What's true of some Mormons t'aint true of them all, that's fo' sho. Testified, brother."

-Professor Jones.

2007-09-13T21:02:00.000-05:00

"There's a subtle dignity to wearing a cheese wheel on one's head. Oh come on, ya'll. That is just comedy waiting to happen."

-Professor Jones ragging on Wisconsin.

2007-09-13T20:59:00.000-05:00

"Canada is the only civilized country in North America."

-Dr. Jones.

2007-09-11T21:58:00.000-05:00

"Blast from the past, my love." Peace sign.

-Emily Rogers' mysterious man who accidentally made a homosexual mix up.

2007-08-28T21:35:00.000-05:00

Melah: "Let's see who gets more play tonight."

Me: "I'm betting on the sexy one."

Dale: "That's right. She is voting for me."

Me: "Psh, I called you sohpisticated. Not sexy."

Dale: "One and the same, lady."

2007-08-26T22:08:00.000-05:00

"I walked away with someone else's glasses the other day. Make sure I don't leave with yours!"

"Well, honey, just hand 'em right on back then."

- Sister Hanchett talking to Sister Ralls. Sister Ralls borrowed Sister Hanchett's glasses during Sunday School so she was able to read from her scriptures. Sister Hanchett always cracks me up.

2007-08-26T01:59:00.000-05:00

Me: "He can't really exist... he just can't."

Dale: "It's just some guy. Simmer down you."

2007-08-25T02:10:00.000-05:00

"There's no such thing as a throwaway sketch."

- Cleveland Morris.

2007-08-25T02:08:00.000-05:00

"I have a syllabus to hand oat."

- Dr. Jones, the first thing he said in class. Don't know why he speaks Canadian. Also don't know why I'm the only one who thought it was funny.

2007-08-25T02:03:00.000-05:00

"There are simple questions: Is this a table? Well, look at it. Of course it's a table. You don't need your lab goggles to figure that one out. Does Barry Bonds use 'roids?"

Blank stares from the class.

"Come on, it's a no-brainer really, but I mean some people have been blind since the seventies."

- Dr. Jones.

2007-08-25T02:01:00.000-05:00

"There are secrets hidden in all works of art."

2007-08-25T01:57:00.000-05:00

"No one decided to tell me about the 9:00 class I'm teaching before today. I got here around 9:25 this morning only to find students standing outside my classroom awaiting my arrival. They were saying bad things about my parents, like that they were never married and stuff."

- Dr. Jones.

2007-08-19T21:03:00.000-05:00

"Come on, hopper breath."

- Talking to Leia after she ate a grasshopper.

2007-08-19T20:25:00.000-05:00

"Mercy. Just about choked on my rice cake."

- Dale. I'm still cracking up over that one.

2007-08-16T23:32:00.000-05:00

"When I visited Wash. Seattle, I went to the coast and a walrus rushed me off the beach once. You'd be surprised at how fast they can go. And males have big ass fangs. Maybe chicks too, I don't know. I was just like what the hell, man!"

-Vince.

2007-08-16T23:24:00.000-05:00

"Ever heard of a chinchilla? The rat monkey rabbit? I heard that chicks dig 'em, is that true?"

"Pretty much, they're sooo cute."

"Yeah, one of my friends has one. He said it was solely for the purpose of getting girls."

- Vince.

2007-08-16T22:47:00.000-05:00

"But its cool cause I nuked their sim and somehow now we're all friends."

- Vince on a Star Wars RP.

2007-08-16T11:56:00.000-05:00

"I need to buck up."

"You have bucked up. Royally."

- Scar and Zazou from The Lion King.

2007-07-25T00:54:00.000-05:00

"Revenge is sweet. But the desire for revenge is sweeter still."

- Dale, (foreshadowing my first win against him in checkers and) on how the desire for something is always sweeter than the fulfillment of it.

2007-06-06T22:40:00.000-05:00

"You can just put 'em by the arthropods over here."

-Professor Gardner speaking to his seven year old daughter who is carrying a tray of cupcakes into the classroom.

2007-06-06T22:31:00.000-05:00

"I've been a little miffed at him ever since. I mean, he should have known better."

-Professor Gardner telling us a story about Lee Hartwell, who won the 2001 Nobel Prize in Medicine. When Professor Gardner was in grad school, one of the graduating classes got to choose someone that would come speak at a seminar. Lee Hartwell was chosen and accepted the invitation. The day before he was scheduled to speak, he suddenly decided that he "didn't have the time." Everyone was disappointed- especially Professor Gardner.

2007-06-06T22:24:00.000-05:00

"Do you all know about bees and the dances they do to communicate with one another?"

"How do they dance? What dances do they do?"

"Welllll, I don't really know the steps or anything... But they waggle their beehinds (note: I think he used this word unintentionally, which made it sooo much more funny) when they dance to tell how far away the flowers are. You know, I bet they even use the metric system."

-Professor Gardner.

2007-06-06T22:21:00.000-05:00

"Did you hear that? Yes, it was the sound of the proverbial poop hitting the fan."

-A recent convert bearing her testimony one Sunday.

2007-06-06T22:04:00.000-05:00

"I don't know, cats are the Celestial animals. I try not to know about dogs."

-Professor Gardner. He loves cats but dislikes dogs a real lot.

2007-05-31T23:51:00.001-05:00

"I have another bombastic pop ditty to send you."

-Dale.